I think I may have overstayed my welcome in the Army…(A true story) written by: Eddie Nelson

Earlier this week, a fellow soldier in my platoon had to attend a doctors appointment.  This was no ordinary doctors appointment however.  It was an appointment that every man fears as they get older, and most unfortunately for my friend he attended this horrific event in his mid-twenties.  I am referring to of course, the prostate exam.

Now under normal circumstances, and by normal I mean in the Civilian World (or “real world” as we soldiers refer to it), no man would have been in any sort of hurry to discuss this procedure to their fellow co-workers.  This is not the real world, and once “militarized” all shame and personal dignity are placed on the back-burners of ones life.  This can prove to be cheap entertainment which is very much needed when stationed in a unit such as ours, were the battery (you may know it as a company, it’s the same thing only Artillery specific) motto should be “beatings will continue until moral improves”.

Before you stand on your soap boxes to preach about how awful we are to laugh at our fellow soldier’s misfortune let me explain to you that we did not pursue in any way, any information about his doctors visit.  We were not even made aware of it until he came back and began to joke about how he had had his proud American balloon knot third knuckled by a doctor that took finger puppets a little to seriously in elementary school!  The poor bastard really took one for the team today.  He may have just introduced himself to the early stages of developmental PTSD, but he did it for his health and more importantly the entertainment of his fellow “battle-buddies”.

Later that day, I happened to be with my friend as we were both scheduled to do some testing for a specific part of our line of work.  We both failed the test, which we expected.  One thing I was not prepared for however was what he said shortly after.

“…you know, never in the civilian world would you say ‘hey I got fingered in the corn hole by a sadist, and failed and important test but it’s a good day because at least I didn’t have to go to the office all day'”

…of course we both laughed hysterically for quite sometime.  But you know I do believe my friend is right, I thought about it and I think I would have rather spent the day in his shoes than my own…at least I would not have had to be at work, and that ladies and gentlemen is a damn shame.  It is time for me to leave the land were common sense is not all that common

Things I learned of life while growing up in the Bible belt. Written by: Eddie Nelson

1. Apparently you can walk off most any injury involving a baseball.
2. Righty tighty, Lefty loosy.  Or as my dad said it “Clockwise is Lock-wise”.
3. Arachnophobia does not apply to those with a Y chromosome.
4. Emotions are things that women have…they come from their ovaries.
5. For some reason, while going through the pubescent  phase, according to your friends you have the coolest parents, however you think your friends parents may be a little cooler.
6. While in church, do not laugh for any reason, even if someone farts during prayer…apparently “God don’t think things are funny”.
7. Even if you have heard grandpa’s war stories a thousand times…if you enlist plan to hear them a thousand more times.
8. You will be sitting at the kids table far longer than you feel you should.
9. If you play with your belly-button for too long your wiener may fall off.
10. If you tell someone that it is impossible to do some random weird thing like sneeze with your eyes open, they will immediately question your level of education and try to prove you wrong as quickly as possible.

The Bell Curve, Lisa Sparxxx and how “The Big Bang Theory” plays into it all. written by: Eddie Nelson

DISCLOSER:  If you are reading this and are of weak constitution, of high moral aptitude, or just really don’t enjoy reading profane words and general filth (yeah I mean you mom ^__^) STOP READING NOW!!!! SERIOUSLY!!! ….Okay, you were warned…

In the TV series “The Big Bang Theory” season 4 episode 1, the character “Sheldon Cooper” (played by actor Jim Parsons) discusses how he has estimated that the amount of men that the character “Penny” (Kaley Cuoco) has dated in her life is approximately 171 different men.  When asked how he came up with such a high number he explained “Simple extrapolation.  In the three years that I’ve known you, you were single for two. during that time I saw seventeen different suiters.  If we work backwards, correcting for observation bias and postulate an initial dating age of fifteen…”

(Penny corrects him stating that she actually started dating at 14)

“My mistake. Now assuming the left side of a BELL CURVE, peaking around the present, that would bring the total up to…193 men plus or minus 8 men”

Oxford Dictionary defines Bell Curve as: a graph of a normal distribution, with a large rounded peak tapering away at each end…..I call out Mr. Coopers mathematical “genius”, (I know he’s a fictitious character, and that one shouldn’t trust TV for real knowledge but dammit doing this research made me feel smart so suck it!!!) and heres why….Lisa Sparxxx.

Earlier this evening I was enjoying a Youtube podcast of “OMG”, it is a weekly video that is filled with crazy but true little factoids.  If you know me, than you are aware that useless factoids are my Kryptonite.  This particular podcast explained that a porn actress by the name Lisa Sparxxx holds the world record for most sexual partners in one day (it only took her half a day to break this record), ready for your mind to explode from your ears?  900 different men!!!  Yep you read that right, 900 dicks in 12 hrs.  One can only imagine how beat up this ham wallet is now.  I mean holy fuck 900 cocks, seriously…in one fucking day!!! No… actually in half a fucking day and believe it or not queen tuna skank was and is still married to the same asshole!!!  This dude must be packing a 12 ft cock because after a rodeo like that a 10 footer just couldn’t cut it.  I’ll admit that, if I’m right about said husbands penis size, I’m impressed…that’s one hella big pork steeple, holy shit!!!  I think of all the crazy info I found out about this cum dumpster the biggest surprise of all is that apparently she still has men that want to fuck her.  I had to do a little  research (Wikipedia, and the Lisa Sparxxx home page) to see if the world record thing was true (it is), I also found her bio which led me to the endeavor which you read now.

You have to understand that when you hear that there is a women out there with the ability to land 900 beef buses into tuna town in a 12 hour period, well dammit thats not only slightly revolting but impressive. Therefore the mind begins to wander and ask questions of how many dicks has this mattress actress had in her life time?  That is when my mind immediately reverted to season 4 episode 1 of “The Big Bang Theory”.  I wanted to see if I could figure out how many lap rockets have seen this black hole of a Kentucky south mouth in her lifetime.  I realized quickly that one does not actually need to create a BELL CURVE to figure this out.  All you need is: A calculator, Basic math skills, and the Lisa Sparxxx home page bio.

Heres what we know.  She is 33 years old.  She has been taking the cock since 16, taking it professionally since 18, and she holds the world record for 900 dicks in one day.

Heres what we can postulate (assume): Judging by the video samples on the Lisa Sparxxx homepage, she tends to make video’s involving multiple men.  Postulating that she would have to work five days a week with multiple shoots each day, it is safe to say that Mrs. Sparxxx marinates about 20 dude pistons in her squish mitten a day.

Heres the formula:

33-16=17                   (amount of years Lisa Sparxxx claims to be sexually active)

52 x 17=884              (amount of weeks total that Lisa Sparx has been sexually active)

884 x 20= 17,680      (approximate number of boink swatters that have seen this gut locker)

17,680-20=17,660    (subtracting twenty whoopee sticks in fairness to Mrs. Sparxxx, I’m sure she took a week off after _______________       her big record setting event)

17,660+900=18,560 (grand total of dick taken by Lisa Sparxxx to date, not including any she may give her husband if                                       there is time)

there you have it 18,560 men and I didn’t need to create a bell curve like “The Big Bang Theory”……….plus or minus 8 men!!!  The best part of all in posting this blog, I’m sure that a large portion of the readers are actually working my math now in an attempt to prove me wrong…just remember if I am off by a little that is still more dick than anyone can imagine…well except for Mrs. Sparxxx

(A special thanks to the Bloodhound Gang, you’ve made nicknaming genitalia into and art form)