I think I may have overstayed my welcome in the Army…(A true story) written by: Eddie Nelson

Earlier this week, a fellow soldier in my platoon had to attend a doctors appointment.  This was no ordinary doctors appointment however.  It was an appointment that every man fears as they get older, and most unfortunately for my friend he attended this horrific event in his mid-twenties.  I am referring to of course, the prostate exam.

Now under normal circumstances, and by normal I mean in the Civilian World (or “real world” as we soldiers refer to it), no man would have been in any sort of hurry to discuss this procedure to their fellow co-workers.  This is not the real world, and once “militarized” all shame and personal dignity are placed on the back-burners of ones life.  This can prove to be cheap entertainment which is very much needed when stationed in a unit such as ours, were the battery (you may know it as a company, it’s the same thing only Artillery specific) motto should be “beatings will continue until moral improves”.

Before you stand on your soap boxes to preach about how awful we are to laugh at our fellow soldier’s misfortune let me explain to you that we did not pursue in any way, any information about his doctors visit.  We were not even made aware of it until he came back and began to joke about how he had had his proud American balloon knot third knuckled by a doctor that took finger puppets a little to seriously in elementary school!  The poor bastard really took one for the team today.  He may have just introduced himself to the early stages of developmental PTSD, but he did it for his health and more importantly the entertainment of his fellow “battle-buddies”.

Later that day, I happened to be with my friend as we were both scheduled to do some testing for a specific part of our line of work.  We both failed the test, which we expected.  One thing I was not prepared for however was what he said shortly after.

“…you know, never in the civilian world would you say ‘hey I got fingered in the corn hole by a sadist, and failed and important test but it’s a good day because at least I didn’t have to go to the office all day'”

…of course we both laughed hysterically for quite sometime.  But you know I do believe my friend is right, I thought about it and I think I would have rather spent the day in his shoes than my own…at least I would not have had to be at work, and that ladies and gentlemen is a damn shame.  It is time for me to leave the land were common sense is not all that common

Things I learned of life while growing up in the Bible belt. Written by: Eddie Nelson

1. Apparently you can walk off most any injury involving a baseball.
2. Righty tighty, Lefty loosy.  Or as my dad said it “Clockwise is Lock-wise”.
3. Arachnophobia does not apply to those with a Y chromosome.
4. Emotions are things that women have…they come from their ovaries.
5. For some reason, while going through the pubescent  phase, according to your friends you have the coolest parents, however you think your friends parents may be a little cooler.
6. While in church, do not laugh for any reason, even if someone farts during prayer…apparently “God don’t think things are funny”.
7. Even if you have heard grandpa’s war stories a thousand times…if you enlist plan to hear them a thousand more times.
8. You will be sitting at the kids table far longer than you feel you should.
9. If you play with your belly-button for too long your wiener may fall off.
10. If you tell someone that it is impossible to do some random weird thing like sneeze with your eyes open, they will immediately question your level of education and try to prove you wrong as quickly as possible.